The End of the Story

In thinking about difficult relationships with other believers, one of the truths that has been most comforting to me is the glory of Heaven. Not streets of gold, or mansions, or crowns, or harps, but, as Jonathan Edwards liked to say, that “heaven is a world of love!” What has been of immense comfort to me is to think of the certainty of the happy ending. The promise of happiness together in the end is as rock-solid as the truthfulness and power of God. No matter how difficult some relationships may be with other believers in this age, no matter how strained or broken the relational bonds may be in this world, no matter how much we may fail to fully reconcile in this life through pride, foolishness, or misunderstanding, there stands God’s unbreakable promise that the story has a happy ending for his people. Someday, when God completes his work of redemption and brings us all into his presence, we will stand before him, full of love for him and for each other, with no trace of resentment, bitterness, anger, or misunderstanding. It won’t be so important then who was right and who was wrong. Everything will be swallowed up in God’s divine love. Our faces will shine like the stars of heaven, full of unveiled goodness and love. No walls of self-protection. No hidden shame. No bitter regrets. God will be all in all, which is precisely why there will be such unity among us in heaven. Have you noticed how all the saints in heaven portrayed in Revelation are united in their enraptured focus on God? There is no self-promotion in heaven. Probably all relational conflict among believers is attributable in some degree to a self-focus instead of an absolute God-focus. Our dreams, our ideas, our desires, our expectations, or our fears have somehow contaminated the unity we ought to have. I don’t think we can expect perfection in this area this side of heaven. As long as we live in this evil age with remaining sin within us, we will always have some vestige of sinful self-interest. Part of our goal should be to become more and more God-centered in our desires, dreams, and expectations. To do the hard, long work of giving up our cravings for self-glory, self-justification, and self-protection and focus instead on God’s glory, God’s will, God’s power, and God’s love. A chorus I learned as a child says, “Let’s forget about ourselves, and magnify the Lord, and worship him.” Maybe it should say, “Let’s forget about ourselves by magnifying the Lord and worshiping him.” For the sake of maintaining “the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Eph. 4:3), let’s increasingly forsake self-interest and instead focus humbly on God. That’s a noble goal, but, as I said, I don’t think we’ll ever reach perfection in this area this side of heaven. Which brings me back to my main point. Even though we will never reach relational perfection in this life, we have God’s sure promise that in the end, we will be standing side by side, full of love and pure affection for each other, all hurts healed and relationships restored, enjoying the glory of God’s presence together. This thought gives me great comfort, joy, and hope, and helps me to be patient and persevering in the midst of strained or broken relationships, knowing with certainty that we will love each other in the end, by the grace and power of God.

When Humility Gets Hard

My previous post was about the need to keep moving toward people in relationships. Keep engaging. Keep an open heart, even when everything in you screams for self-protection. One quality that is essential if we are to keep moving toward those who have hurt us is humility.

It’s the most natural thing in the world to respond in self-righteousness when someone has wronged me. They done did me wrong, and they deserve to pay! It’s only right. It’s only just, and God is a God of justice, is he not? So of course he is on my side as I pursue the justice I deserve.

Except there’s that whole “turn the other cheek” thing. That “love your enemy” thing. There are horrible Bible verses like 1 Peter 2:21-23: “For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.” Surely Peter didn’t really mean we should follow Christ’s example in this. Okay, maybe he did.

Grace is clearly needed here. Notice that it was Jesus’ confidence in the justness of his Father that enabled him to refrain from seeking justice for himself. In the same way, a response of humble love toward those who do us wrong will only be possible for us if we have faith in God as a just Judge and loving Father. When it comes to strained or broken relationships, I don’t have to seek personal justice for myself if I believe my God is sovereign, loving, and just. I am free to respond to harshness with gentleness and humility.

But here’s where humility becomes really hard. Maybe we manage to respond with patience and humility at first. I humbly move toward the person with whom I am in conflict, admitting my mistakes and sins and asking for their forgiveness. I lower myself before them . . . only to feel the sole of their shoe on the back of my head, smooshing my face into the dirt. Okay. I was humble. I did the right thing. I followed the example of Jesus. I was gentle and contrite. But ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! They belittled my humility. Now they’re gonna get it! I followed Jesus’ example of humility from his first coming, now I’m going to follow his example from his second coming, in flaming fire taking vengeance on my adversaries!

Here’s my point: It’s hard to continue being humble in the midst of relational conflict when the other person remains hard and doesn’t respond to your humility. Isn’t there a limit to how long we have to respond humbly and gently? A statute of limitations, a humility expiration date, or something? Nope.

Notice in the text above that Jesus, our example, “continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.” Note the enduring nature of Jesus’ trust in his Father that led him to respond humbly to being wronged. Jesus didn’t stop on the road to Golgotha, stand up straight, throw down his cross in disgust, and say, “Alright! That’s enough! I put up with the lies and the illegal trial. I put up with the beating and the mocking and the spitting. But this! This is just too much! I tried the gentle approach, but nooo . . . you kept doing me wrong, you humiliated me by making me carry this cross, and if you think you can just nail me to it, you’ve got another thing coming!” ZAP! KAPOW!

How long did Jesus continue to entrust justice to his Father and respond to “relational conflict” (to put it mildly) with humilily? Until he died. So I am called to respond with humility my whole life long. There is no limitation on how long I must keep responding with humility and undeserved kindness. Or maybe I could put it this way: When Jesus stops being patient with me, I can stop being patient with others.

This doesn’t mean avoid difficult discussions or necessary confrontation. It doesn’t mean never speak truth that may be hard for someone else to hear. These are just self-protective mechanisms, not true humility. It does mean that any discussion in a situation of conflict should be carried out with an attitude of love and brokenness, for my part. I should have the perspective Jesus spoke of: my brother’s sin looks like a speck to me; my own sin looks like a log to me. It’s only as we continue entrusting our cause to our just Father that we will be able–by his grace–to keep being humble, even when the other party does not respond in like kind. With God’s help, we can be the Energizer Bunnies of humility: “He just keeps being humble, and humble, and humble . . . “

Keep Moving Toward Them

I was listening to biblical counselor Ed Welch at a seminar. I noticed he often used the phrase “you keep moving toward them” when he described personal ministry to suffering people. That phrase has stuck with me. It represents one of the biggest challenges in relationships.

Relationships are difficult and dangerous. The closer you get, the more dangerous they become. What I mean is, the closer you get, the greater the potential–perhaps certainty–of disappointment, misunderstanding, conflict, and pain. It’s to be expected that when you and another sinner full of idolatrous desires interact with each other, eventually you’ll start to step on each other’s idols, igniting a holy war fueled by “righteous” indignation. Maybe you’ll be wronged as an innocent party, or maybe you’ll do the wronging.

I have a strong temptation toward self-protection when it comes to the threat of emotional pain. The most natural thing in the world is to escape from such situations. Much easier to simply not have deep relationships than to risk the pain. And if the pain comes in a relationship, much easier to back off or run away.

To keep moving toward someone who has caused me pain, or who I have caused pain, is not natural and not safe. Yet this is exactly what God calls us to do: “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. . . . But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful” (Luke 6:27-30, 35-36).

If we are to love, do good to, bless, and pray for our enemies who hate, curse, and abuse us, then we should certainly treat anyone who is less than an enemy this way, also. Such as a spouse, or a family member, or a friend, or an acquantaince, or a fellow-believer. At no time do we have permission from our Master to treat others with anything less than undeserved kindness. The main point is that I am to treat those who do not deserve such treatment in this merciful and kind way, just as God has been merciful and kind to me and all other ungrateful and evil sinners. We are to move toward others, even when it is dangerous. Even when the threat is not just emotional pain, but physical persecution! If your enemy kills you, let him be certain he is killing someone who loves him.

Sometimes the pain of a broken relationship is excruciating. It gnaws at you constantly, making your life miserable. How in the world are we supposed to move toward someone who has caused such pain? We are not sufficient for such things, which is why we must beg God for the grace and the faith to live in this way.

There may be some point at which you have done all you can do, and it is the other person in the relationship who is running away so fast you can’t catch them, or erecting a wall so thick you can’t get through. That may happen, and the relationship may be irretrievable. But let there never be any bricks in that wall of your own making, and if you must be at arm’s length, let it never be your arm’s length. Let your constant desire be to keep moving toward others in relationships, to be merciful as your Father is merciful, and kind to the undeserving just as God has been kind to you.